A Special Interview with Mush
|Bad Guy, very Bad Guy|
You know Mush - that slimy dictator of a country in South Asia or somewhere. He gave birth to more terror outfits in his lifetime than the kids of Osama bin Laden(s combined). Irony is that he was almost killed by one of them as well. A number of times.
Mush was a badass. Hell, he still is. Trained as a commando and right upto the neck style bravado, he felt he was the real life Sunny Deol that his country did not have. A man with tremendous imagination, unimaginable optimism and infinite stupidity - he was a perfect leader of a country that produces world class terrorists (who always fail to hit their targets in the US).
He was finally arrested and agreed to answer my questions from prison. I would like to thank the Takistani Government for giving me the permission to enter the Isitthatbad Zoo.
Mush: Get here on a double. Shoot yer questions, I ain't got all day.
Me: Yeah, thanks General for this chance.
Me: You once ruled this country. Now you are being tried for high treason against it. Don't you feel bad about it?
Mush: He he, this is nothing, you should have seen them attach rods up my back to check if I have some cyanide pills hidden in there. But boy its fun. I used to do with those bearded fools. You tell them you are a girl and down they come from Twat to thump. No questions asked!
Me: Ah sir I hope that was a joke.
Mush: Yeah, don't worry about that. A bad one though.
Me: Can you tell me about the Kargil thing?
Mush: You see we had these men in the Norther Light Infantry. These poor old bastards were ready to go back to do what they do at home in the winter.
When these folks returned we slipped them some ill fitting clothes and sent them right up into the peaks. I love mountains. Indians never let me visit that place. Security stuff they always said. I said, ok that's it I am gonna take it anyway.
Me: So you pushed your troops across the Line of Control?
Mush: No. How can I normal human being do that? I am no Shaktiman. I just ordered them. They moved on their own.
Mush: So they moved almost all the way to the Nilgiris, I think. But then they got lost or something. So we could not supply them.
Me: Oh well since what you are saying is making no sense let me ask you this - when did you think that your operation has failed?
Mush: Oh it did succeed. Almost four thousand of our men were killed. We successfully lost the control of all the peaks we held. We still hold the peak 5233 that is present right on the Line of Control. The PM lost all the support. I passed all the blame. I also was able to prevent the identification of Pakistani soldiers. So that even in death they can capture some Indian territory. In spite of all this you say India won?
Me: Well...about that...
Mush: Yes I also wrote a book about it. About everything. How we won the Second and the Third World Wars. We also won the World War Z.
Me: Ok. Do you remember the days when you ruled? What do you feel?
Mush: Oh that was boring. No killing people myself. Only getting others do the job. Not interesting. Hell, I even tried Bush sometimes. But he was a hetero. Kidding...don't worry. But those folks did try to kill me a number of times. Had great fun then. Too bad I was forced out of power. What good is democracy? Except for the pleasure of hanging the ex-ruler of a country it gives you nothing.
You tell me what did you get from democracy in this country?
Me: But sir I am not from this country!
Mush: See exactly that is my point. You got nothing out of it. I will get the firing squad. Will try to dodge the bullets though. We both get nothing. This is democracy. Otherwise if this was our fiefdom, I could lose more wars with India and you could have run reports on how many billions of terrorists are killed by the Takistani Army.
Me: Is there any ill treatment here? I mean is this real justice you are getting here?
Mush: Justice? No. I did not see Bhagwan Das here. I don't want to see no kafirs either.
Me: But then I am.
Mush: I am temporarily blind then. I have not seen you. Technically that is.
Mush: Ok dismissed...
It ended a little inappropriately as Mush had given out a rather punishing fart sometime ago. The smell was so disgusting that most of the guards went on full alert for a poison gas attack. Mush was literally carried out of the meeting room and sent back into his air tight smell where he would fart and go unconscious every now and then. Kept the guards from spending too much money to keep him sedated.